So, just put your foot down...but do it out of love.

I got some excellent advice from a good friend. We were discussing the fact that I get upset around Christmas time with all the excess that our family spends in time and money on "stuff" around the holidays. I know, I know it is supposed to be about giving but it should be about the giving to others and not spoiling ourselves or our children. My loving wife ( and I am not being facetious) told me that I just like to complain. I took her comment for granted but I was discussing how ticked off I was with the holidays with a good friend and his short and immediate comment was " So! Just put your foot down...but do it out of love."

How true it is that God gives us good advice from the people he puts in our lives. I was not willing to listen to my wife but when someone else close to me says what should be obvious to me THEN I listen. We all could have a good dose of not complaining and grumbling. If it bothers me I should patiently discuss what is bothering me with my wife and do it out of love for her and not my perceived righteousness.

How good is it to have a wife dedicated to beautiful decorations around the holidays and the fact that she does it without complaint even in the face of her own struggles. I should thank God for her and tell her how much I appreciate her efforts. But I should also have the guts to discuss with her when the effort she is making is getting out of control. At some point men have to lead but we must do so out of love.

Happiness is a state of mind and not a set of circumstances

When is the last time you said or thought something positive? If it has been in the last hour or so you are good...no worries...don't even read the next few thoughts...go...have a good day. If it has been days, like me, then...let's talk. I am ticked off, sad, thoughtless, irritated and generally unhappy but other than that I am good. What makes me that way is my state of mind. Instead of enjoying the rose for its color and great smell I warn myself "...careful that rose is pretty and sure smells nice but it will prick you.". What a shame!

My wife has reminded me that to be happy you must stay positive. In other words you have to "choose" to be happy. We have a choice! We can choose to be happy and not sad or irritated. Someone once said that "Happiness is a state of mind and not a set of circumstances". How true! How True! The next time your child grabs the drapes, jumps up on the leg of the couch, and screams "Hey Mom! Watch this!" as he proceeds to swing from the drapes and into the window imitating Spider Man (thank goodness the rod broke before he went through the window) instead of screams and threats of punishment you just laugh and enjoy a healthy, capable boy imitating his heroes.

Every day is full of challenges. Our goal and prayer should be to see the beauty in what God has provided and choose to see the real picture of happiness instead of the illusion of the Adversary.

It's just not that bad

I really, really want to say something good about my wife and family. I know I am supposed to be the Ticked Off Dad but sometimes it is just not worth being angry. I have seen beautiful things in my wife and children lately. These things have always been there but my anger has colored them into invisibility to my eyes. What a shame!

There is no doubt that any given day, around my family, could be fraught with opportunities to be upset with them. My kids are generally out of control and my wife is mostly crazy when she is around them but when I take the time to look behind or beside or through the fog of insanity I can clearly see a loving mother and beautiful children. OK, I will say it, my family is a blessing to me. My wife and my children were set in place by God just for me. They were tailored by the God of the universe just for me. There is nothing wrong with my wife or kids they are exactly how they should be.

It is just not that bad. Life is a challenge in any task worthy of taking and there is not any bigger or rewarding tasks than loving your wife and children. I don't see a problem pointing out obvious flaws in the system but to continually miss out seeing the blessing that is before me because I am ticked off at some perceived injustice is just wrong. I would bet that most men have a woman that truly loves him, and I am one of those men, and when there are problems it is generally the man that forgets he is holding a precious gift, sent straight from God, and in his ignorance he attempts to crush the very thing that may be the only blessing in his life. I will seek to remind myself that not only is it "not that bad" but my wife and children are the golden eggs in my life. Lord, I pray that you would remind me of this, often...

Coffee Can Change a Marriage

My wife and I have been teetering on the edge of divorce pretty much ever since we got married 14 years ago. Yes I said the "D" word. Divorce is a very real thing. Some of us bury our heads in the sand and say this will never happen to me and then you wake up and you or your wife is threatening to "get a lawyer". Why does it come to this? Is it the young kids that keep us running crazy; is it the high pressure work situation; is it the stay at home mom with no time for herself, maybe it is selfishness? Whatever the reason...Marriage is tough.

I have never understood my wife. We come together in brief moments to discuss serious issues and we would end up at each others throats. The arguments generally stemmed from my inability to see her side, at least as far as she was concerned. Men and women we created different and that is that! We think differently, and thank God for that. If I had to go thru my life thinking as a woman does I would go crazy. There is just way too much going on in a woman's mind for a man to keep up with.

Anyway, my point in this blog is for a man to slow down... I will finish this later...I have to go help get the @X$$% kids ready! ...I'm back...why is it that when a man chooses to do something "selfish" an emergency always comes up...I guess it is just bad timing on my part...crap!

What I was trying to say is that a man needs to slow down and try and get to know this woman whom he has been joined with. My favorite time of the day is in the early morning, hopefully before the kids are awake, and my wife and I sit at the kitchen table over a fresh, hot cup of coffee and just talk. Not the high powered talk of finances or life situations, but just the simple talk of 'what is your day like today?'. I am convinced that simple is always better. I know that in the times I have sat with my wife, over a cup of coffee in the peaceful times of the day, I have learned more about her and how her mind works than by observing her actions thru the day. A woman's mind is so 'full', thoughts run like lighting thru their minds and if you are not careful you can get blind sided by a bolt. It is good for a man to see this...it can give him perspective on the amazing struggle that a woman faces every day. A man can almost never see this challenge she faces unless he slows down long enough to sit with her and just listen. For those of you that don't like coffee I would say first that there may be some thing wrong with you and second Coke probably works just as well...no excuses! The point is to make a quite time with your wife one of the most important activities that you participate in your day. You may just see that she is probably one of the most interesting person you will meet that day.

'till Death Do Us Part

Commitment is intended for us all in marriage. Sad but true. God did not intend for us to wander. He intended for us to love, honor, and cherish the one we chose when we said "I do". I think back to my vows and wonder if I really meant what I said. I took the standard vow and to this day I cannot remember what I said. I guess that is ok since my wife reminds me, quite often, what I promised. I am sure somewhere in my vows I must of said something along the lines of "my wife shall remind me of the things I am trying to forget and I will continue to forget the things I am trying to remember". Its all good. I am starting to cherish the fact that my wife has a better handle on my memory than I do.

Commitment is so cool. It took me 14 years of marriage to learn the secret. The secret was in the vows from the start. "Till Death Do Us Part" was what we all committed to. Simply understand that marriage is a life long commitment to another person. I love my wife and she loves me and I have only come to understand just how much through the arguing and difficult times. It was only THROUGH the trials have I come to understand how much she loves me. It was only by surviving the trials did I see the love. Had the draw to commitment not kept me close when the trouble came I would have missed out on the love I feel now. Its not all rosy but I can tell you when the time gets tough it is now much easier to cope with knowing that she is my wife who God has entrusted me to care for and lead. She is a part of me bound by marriage not to sever but to nourish.

I tell my wife, often, till death do us part. She says I am saying it in a bad way but I am not. I get upset about several things, I get mad, angry, I start blaming every body but me. I am the leader of this family, the buck stops here. I must be committed to the peace that is bound to exist under calm, cool, leadership. It is time to be committed to a loving wife and beautiful children. It is time to cherish marriage, set in place by God to be lead by men and guided by women.

Fridays are Difficult

Have you ever seen Fight Club? Crazy movie and probably something I should not be watching but it is one of those movies that just makes you think...anyway Friday night is tough. The week end is soo difficult. I am always just so tired, especially Friday nights. My wife and I are so tired from the week neither of us want to chase the kids. They love it cause they get to run wild in the house until they collapse. Sometimes this back fires when they flash over and start tearing up the house.

My wife is exhausted from the week with the kids, I am exhausted from my week at work. I think sometimes Friday nights are a contest to see who is tiredest the first. No big deal but I have trouble with the care for the kids on Fridays. This begs the question, is a bath necessary every night? I just don't see it. Did I get a bath every night? Did Jesus take a bath every day? The answer is no. It is not necessary that the kids get bathed every night. The problem is we have convinced ourselves that a bath is necessary every day regardless of the effort. I am convinced that we continue to fool ourselves with what our wisdom says is important. The things that man says is critical is not always what is important. Rest, peace, and love...these are the things that is important. 'Its time for baths'...crap. I remember my grandfather coming home with grime on his face and sweat on his brow from working the fields. Now...he needed a bath. A child that has played inside at home or school is not going to suffer if there is no bath tonight.

Where is the importance lie in a family? Is the importance with happiness or success? What defines the success of a family? Is it if the kids are bathed, each and every night, then we are successful? Where do we see the happiness in the family? Is it survival for a period of time, until the kids are old? Aren't we supposed to be enjoying the time we have? It is NOT the purpose of God for us to live for a period of time in the future but to live for the time we are given...now! We are told to GO...lets us go...let us enjoy now...let us see the importance of now from the eyes of love not anger and the necessity of the things of this world. These are random thoughts but heart felt just the same...

Sundays in Urbania

Sundays bring a sense of security to me and my family. We don't travel much so we are home most of the time. My wife and I keep a Sunday school class for five year old children at our church. I enjoy this class. You would think I would get enough of kids during the week but there is something enjoyable about someone Else's children. Enjoy them for a short time and then give them back. I am going to enjoy grandparenthood.

Church is the usual routine, we wake up, get ready, and go to church. Its pretty much a Chinese fire drill getting them ready but we live five minuets from the church. I could hit a solid driver then a five iron thru the front window. I tell my kids often that we "get" to go to church not that we "have" to go to church. I enjoy the fellowship with other people that our church provides. I enjoy paying om age to something bigger than myself and I want my kids to enjoy that also. Raising children has taught me that there is a God, one who is loving and kind. Children will lead you spiritually if you will let them. Take a child to church and their honesty will transform your life.

My kids look forward to Sunday Lunch and the playground after church. Simple things are the most enjoyable with children. Why is it so hard to remember that? Who said that kids have to be entertained? Yea, ok, you trap them in a house then they are probably hard to handle but put them on a fenced-in playground and you won't have to deal with them until they are thirsty. My life is not simple yet neither is it complicated. My wife and I search for enjoyment both with our relationship and with our kids individually. Sundays, and the simple routine that that day brings, probably gets us closer than anything we do.

I Hate Bath Time

How to describe bath time? Bath time is where my wife and I try to get the kids to get clean, generally by immersion in water. No big whoop, right? I swear it is like pulling teeth to get them to fully cooperate. The seven year old is pretty good but she will not take a bath by herself. Someone else has to be in the bath room. The four year old is good with getting in the bath but then he tries to empty the bath tub by splashing all the water out onto the floor. The two year old can't take a bath with the other two because she has some weird skin wart virus that is contagious. Crap...how hard is it to just get clean. I ask my friends, "how is bath time at you house" and I get the Betty Crocker "its all good" answer and it just frustrates me to tears. Am I that abnormal or is there something wrong with my kids? Maybe there is something wrong with me? Maybe it is just normal to expect kids to do as they are asked to do then them do the total opposite...who knows.

OK...we got the bath done after my wife and I silently argue over who is going to actually make sure they are clean. Tonight I won, she bathed the kids, but I am probably going to pay later. Anyway that is a discussion for another time. The kids are clean but wet. I tell my seven year old to get out of the tub, dry off (with the towel), go the pajama drawer, get out her pajamas, put her pajamas on, then go to bed. Specifics are key here. If you forget to spell it out then they simply just won't do a certain step. Most of the time she comes into the room with her hair soaking wet and little wet puddles are showing thru her pajamas. She forget step two and skipped to step five. After everyone is out of the tub is where...Bill Cosby said it best..."LET THE BEATINGS BEGIN". Why is it just so hard to put your comfy pajamas on and go to bed?

Let me describe it for you...the baths are done, specific instructions are issued, the kids and mom and dad are exhausted, we issue the edict that says "ok everyone lets head up to bed". The four year old and two year old immediately go to crying, the seven year old immediately starts jockeying for her favorite book to be read and then starts crying herself after mom and dad says, "we are too tired to read tonight'. Why is it just so dang hard for them to say, "that bath was so comforting father, thank you, I am ready to get in my soft comfortable bed and go to sleep because I am just exhausted". NO...they would rather complain, cry, or pitch a fit to stay up and watch some stupid mind numbing cartoon.

I just do not understand these kids. I guess I am too far gone from childhood to remember the fear of the dark. That absolute feeling of terror to be alone in my bed. I sense that strongly from my seven year old. What can you do with this tough? I spend many minutes discussing with her that there is just no such things as monsters, at least the kind she is afraid of. I don't have any idea why the four and two year old children just burst into tears...seriously...what is that all about. I am a lost ball in high weeds over this. Peace...I am searching for peace with my family. I love them so much and have no reason not to enjoy them.

How is a thing valuable? Something is usually valuable because of the effort, either in time or money, that is invested in it. There is nothing more expensive in time or money as is a child. Now I am not saying this is the only thing that makes a child valuable. They are priceless. I am simply saying that common sense would dictate that parents would at least seek to enjoy something we put as much effort in as a child. I struggle to enjoy my children. Like I said I will love them to my death but am I enjoying them? I have to force myself to seek out those times, usually when I am alone with just one child, to truly see what God intended for me to see in my kids. I don't know exactly what I see at those special times but I know that I see the love I have for them reflected in their eyes for me. I don't want the Waltons here I just want to be able to think of my children not as a burden but as the gift that they were and are intended to be.

The Late Nights

Finally...just sitting here after the long day. Just finished chasing the kids thru the bath routine. The nightly fire drill where we try and corral three kids, who would rather be doing anything other than getting a bath, into getting into the bath. I am done with the threats of spankings and looking forward to getting the last book read and the last prayer said for the night.

Any one else struggle with this late night time? Demons reside in my easy chair. I call it the evil chair. Its just so comfortable that I don't want to get up but not so comfortable that others realize my enjoyment and leave me alone. I am not saying that I don't love the attention of my kids but... dang...just five minuets of flipping channels would be nice.

I think the toilet seat in my bathroom has a button underneath that rings an alarm in my wife's or children's head. The alarm compels them to yell, DAD, WHERE ARE YOU. Just five minuets, maybe ten is all I am asking.